A Man and a Tazar - The Very Pinnacle of Stupidity

Here is something I just got from my good buddy George from the Pan Clan. I am still hurting from laughter at this one. Its doing the rounds on email, but regardless as it ticks all the boxes for this blog its going in. Those blokes who are of a nervouse dispasition, please don't read any further, girls - you wont be surprised at all.


This guy needs to audition for Jackass. I have no idea of the source, or if its been made up, but god bless you whoever you are!!

A Man and a Tazar

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS :

Written by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer Stun Gun for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries. Right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.........

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ..... !!
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURTS LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.>>... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Stupid Quotes

Now we can see that this kind of verbal stupidity is all around us, maybe it comes because of a weak moment, maybe you are tired and maybe you are busy thinking of something else or even just couldn't be arsed. Whatever it is that causes the moments that can go down in time as hilarious moments, we must get to the bottom of whats going on......

Here's a great sample from The Best Stupid Quotes

YES..AND THEY WALK AMONG US

• I was at the checkout of a Kmart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again ... same scenario ! I departed the store with the $46.64.

• I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon For a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little Chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one- get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

• One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one Of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the Sky and said, "Where ?"

• While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

• I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

• My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a Seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

• My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

• I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went To the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags Never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a Trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

• While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Here are some more quotes and sayings from coolnsmart

• A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  
• As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
  
• Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.
  
• I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
  
• STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
  
• I say no to drugs, but they don’t listen.
  
• The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.
  
• Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.
  
• I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.
  
• The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45.
  
• If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing
  
• You can’t just let nature run wild.
  
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
  
• The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others.
  

So we say stupid things all the time, I guess if you are unfortunate enough to have them captured against your name then you will probably be a politician, OK that's what we can look at next

Top 10 Stupid British Laws

Here's what we mean this is form Lorla's blog ..##

Top 10 British Stupid Laws - Thou Shalt Not Die

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 percent)

It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (seven percent)

In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (six percent)

Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (five percent)

In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (four percent)

A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a
policeman’s helmet (four percent)

The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3.5 percent)

It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (three percent)

It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (three percent)

In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (two percent)

Hey, hang on, I live in Scotland, so how come I have to let every scumbag that passes by come in and use my loo?!! Is this what we get from the current Scottish Parliament or was it from the last one?

Anyway thanks for that Lorla - just what we are looking for in the ongoing study of stupidity

Monology - The study of Stupidity

Alright so it doesn't really mean that, its just become commonly referred to in some circles. Have a look here to get a good idea of what it really means.

What we are going to do though is have a laugh at some of the daft and stupid things that are out there.

Here's a nice one to get started from strange places

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

Or

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

And from rinkworks

Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"

OK so these are just for starters, we want to build upon the theme and get to the heart of real stupidity and have a laugh along the way. We need to get some themes going and its not any surprise from me that lawyers are in there right from the start.